WAR, PEACE, STRANGERS, SPOILED, GUILT, SERVANT, GOD, SIMPLICITY

In the spring of 2005 I saw the film "Hearts and Minds." I remember walking out of my film class speechless. I don't think I was able to bring any words to my lips until at least the next day. There were too many thoughts racing through my head: a combination of trying to process the historical events and then of course as many have pointed out it is impossible not to think of the present war. One of my memories from that film that stayed with me was of a girl who was interviewed back on the homefront about her thoughts on the war in Vietnam(probably because I am essentially that: an American girl in the midst of a war). I was horrified by her answer (or maybe secretly petrified to think that maybe I felt the same) that she would really just prefer to think about her own life and that it was not important to her. This scene was of course strategically juxtoposed against horrific war images and dying people on both sides...afterall the director had of course planned that I feel this way (just good filmmaking). And I a walked away from the film swearing that I would never be like that girl.

That was 5 years into the current war. And now that we have reached 7, I've returned my thoughts to that girl. I mean, maybe I shouldn't be so horrified by her comment. Afterall, what the bloody blazes would someone like her have done to change anything. What can I do, other than live my life? All the fighting in the world or all the protesting in the world couldn't have stopped that war and probably not this one. I'm starting to see that wars are left up to a few people. The rest of the world just reacts to the chaos. People just want to live their lives. And when they are stopped from doing that (by violence, by being called off to war, by attacks, by the feelings of injustice, by someone violating their human rights or those of someone they love, etc) they then have no reason to behave, no reason not to kill to try and achieve a sense of justice, no reason to not hate strangers.

Sure, I'm guaranteed a vote. And I do. But, the power of that vote is about as real as the right to freedom of speech.

So what then? Why is that girl's comment so horrific to my person? Maybe, the idea that so many people suffer in the world and she is (or I am) free to live, what in comparison seems, a frivolous life. Isn't that the gist of all war films or am I the only one with this American guilt?

But, I cannot judge this girl. If anyone looked at me they might see the same girl. But, the truth is that I do care, I want good things for my fellow man. But, that is easy to say before the spider ever comes down to bother you....while you're still sitting pretty on your tuffet...eating my curds and whey.

Here's another thought though...I don't believe people are good and maybe not so bad. But, under duress they are reduced to little children who will do whatever is needed to conserve self. But what about heroes who risk life and limb to save others....would it be too simple or rude to say that maybe they are either operating under alterior motives or maybe just crazy? No, I'm kidding. I'm not talking about people who choose to enter such circumstances by choice. I'm talking about people who for whatever reason are thrust into horrific things that seem very unjust. Like when someone kicks you for no apparent reason! Or how about when some a-hole cuts you off in traffic or decides to ride your bumper for 3 miles. If your anything like me you think something along the lines of: HOW DARE YOU, YOU [fill in the blank]!!! Then you precede to right the wrong or maybe if your like me ( a Christian) you avoid righting the wrong and maybe pray for some patience, compassion, etc. But, in the end we have to confront ourselves as the little hideous beasties that we are (unless you're still kidding yourself).

Let me go back and try another scenario when that stranger inflincts injustice on me (this time the girl in kindergarten who kicked me then preceded to tell the teacher that I kicked her...landing me with the note home to mother). What if I had righted that wrong and given her what she had already blamed me for...what if I kicked her bloomer-clad bum?! Well, then I would have violated her rights, I would have dashed any basic respect for her person. But, she would have got what was coming to her! Right? She would have "got got," in the words of a Hell's Angel circa 1970. What then? Maybe when those girls teased me in the 5th grade, I could have poisoned their lunches with a bit of laxative? Maybe, when that girl poured chocolate milk on my pants in the 7th grade I could have used a gun to rectify the situation. Maybe. But, I didn't. I think in all those situations I just sorta went on with my life (maybe I've not done a good job of forgetting...but I'd like to think that I'm pretty well forgiven on all accounts). And let me not sound like a saint...I did punch the crap out of that kid's nose in the fourth grade (forgotten why).

So what is my bloody point? Not sure...afterall I'm not very good at those or writing. I think my point might lie along the lines of "turn the other cheek" or "love thy neighbor as thyself." I can't decide which I like better. But, I'm not gonna kid myself with dreams of peace and whatever. I think I just won't feel so guilty about being like that girl...I will concentrate on my life: thank God for the blessings that I do have, serve God, serve others. If I try to worry about the rest (the futile world of senseless things, fleeting actions, and empty words) I'd end up with an ulcer or a hole in my head. If there is anything I learned in my days of un-needed therapy it was that the only thing I can change or control is myself.