The Fantastic Traits of Tina Goldstein and Where to Find Them Part 1

It pains me beyond end whenever I read comments about the character and often the portrayal of Tina Goldstein.  Many are downright mean and absurd. I don’t actually care what all these people think because they are clearly wrong, but I also feel the need to jump to both Tina and Katherine’s defense. I feel so strongly that Katherine Waterston is perfectly cast in this role and I am constantly scratching my head when other people can’t see it. I think what Tina and maybe even Katherine are being blamed for is really just what a lot of introverts suffer from…misjudgment. Assumptions are made about a person because their true qualities are not out there announcing themselves like a loud parade for the average passerby. Instead they are tucked away like precious philosopher stones where only cool people are privy to their beautiful wonder (i.e. thestrals and 12 Gremmauld place). If you can’t see it then oh well, so sad for you. For those of us who can it’s pretty darn nifty. I will now attempt to describe some of these qualities for those who cannot see them. I will begin with the first film:

Tina Goldstein in the 1^st film:

·      Like learning to drive stick shift…she falters some of the time, but ultimately she is a powerful witch with a big heart. I think once we see Tina in her prime it’s going to be like watching a powerful and elegant race car. She just ain’t there yet, so back off. 

·      She values justice and rule following (except when she doesn’t). She is not Percy Weasley as some like to suggest. Yes she tries to uphold the law, but she also goes rogue once she is fully aware of the stakes. 

·      Ambitious, but in the good sense of the word. She is not trying to be the best auror in the land to obtain fame and recognition. She is simply a hard worker trying to do a good job. It is a noble ambition only. 

·      She is an advocate for children (including muggles) and later creatures once she’s got her facts straight. 

·      She is a caregiver…for her sister, for credence, I mean she brings Newt and Jacob hot chocolate for crying out loud. 

·      She does not put too much into her looks (telling me she has bigger fish to fry at the moment), but she can dress for the occasion when necessary. I’m sorry, but she is a goddess in some frumpy clothes and I can’t help anyone that can’t see that. 

·      In Katherine’s words, she has confidence one day and then not the next. She is human basically and that is why I love her. 

·      She is very brave, standing up, even when she is afraid.

·      Unsure of herself…a lot of the time. She just needs a hug I think. 

·      Practical to her core. Her wand. Her clothes. Food on the go. 

·      “Always alone”…but probably not by choice. She seems introverted, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t value close relationships. I think she’s been too busy making her way in the world to bother with relationships…until she meets Newt.

·      I swear she reads minds too. Even if she is not a true legilimens, she is deeply empathetic and can basically read minds anyways (especially Newts). Some examples…when Newt gives Pickett away. When they have to Obliviate Jacob (she appears more sad about how it is impacting Queenie and Newt), Credence. She finishes Newt’s sentence…a LOT!

·      She has killer pajamas and therefore is awesome.

·      Tenacity (she is not afraid to call something like it is…some call this quality annoying).

·      I just really like the way she says Mr. Scamander…and Mr. No-Maj!

·      Private (This is probably why some call her boring). I think this quality likely stems from self-preservation. If you don’t let people too close they can’t hurt you. Only special people get to make it to her inner circle. 

·      Traumatic upbringing? (loss of parents, raising her sister). This would make her somewhat developmentally stunted, but also overly mature in other areas. 

·      Reliable-she brings home the bacon.

·      Loyal-once she trust you she’s all in. 

·      Strong but actually very fragile underneath…BUT she also has a lot of resiliency! Look at the scene where Graves/Grindewald knocks her down. She literally pops back up more determined than before. Don’t mess with her. 

·      Seriously why do people not like Tina? 

·      Apparently she sneaks off to do the Charleston occasionally….and a little secret pint up whimsy never hurt anybody. 

·      Explosive Aka Righteous indignation. I think this is just an intolerance of any threat to the safety of wizards/and muggles. She is pretty ticked off the first half of the movie because all she sees is outright disregard for all the rules put into place to protect everyone. And if “beast attacks” have been going on for a while (or so she thinks) then bringing a bunch of beasts into the country is downright ridiculous and that person should be stopped. Unless of course it’s not the beasts after all and Eddie Redmayne is said person…then you should throw caution to the wind and marry them. Obviously. 

·      Hopeful…whenever she shares quieter scenes with Newt I see a glimmer of hope in her eyes even when things are getting rough.

·      Humor…”Dougal?” If you can’t find the humor in a name like this then what can you find it in? I feel like she and Newt are going to have a million inside jokes by the time they are old and gray. 

·      Portrayed by Katherine Waterston: 

o   She absolutely cannot run and I love it. And yet she has wonderful comedic timing with her movements (At least Lego picked up on it). 

o   The quality of her voice is very interesting to me…fluctuating from melodic and soothing to harsh and strong. 

o   I’m sorry, but if you are not moved by the last scene with her and Newt then I’m not sure you have a heart. Her face (Katherine) is so open and expressive in this scene. It’s like closed captioning without needing it because I can hear every thought she is having. I can remember seeing this scene for the first time and thinking who is this actress? Simply amazing. This is the true Tina in this scene just in case you’re wondering…perfectly delightful. 

The Future is Almost Here (Pt II)

Well it's finally here! October 21, 2015. We made it! Just like Christmas and Birthdays, the day is pretty much the same as any day (mostly). I woke up and had some coffee...but I made it in a future machine, called a Keurig. Went to school. Had class online without leaving my bed, while using an iPad,  macbook, and and iPhone all at the same time (good call on technology overload BTF). After I got done having future school, I drove my non flying car in a bunch of traffic to get my haircut (really could have used that flying car)...but I did use a future app that helped me in traffic.  After I got my future hair, I stopped by the store (Pretty past-like). On my way home I really wanted to listen to some new music...so I used my futuristic phone to pull up my futuristic amazon prime music app. It recommended some music that I downloaded for free and I listened to that instantly. Now, you gotta admit that's pretty fun. Once home I ate regular food while watching some television on the very futuristic Netflix app on my awesome future sony google blu-ray machine. However, I just watched the same show I was watching as a child: The X-files. And in a few minutes I'm gonna head out to see BTF II in a theatre....boring. EXCEPT....they are gonna serve me food...like in a restaurant! NOW that's the FUTURE! And I've never been there. EVEN BETTER!  So, all in and all a very normal day in the future.

The Future is Almost Here, Part I

The Future is Almost Here, Part I

Today is Sunday October 18^th, 2015 and it’s almost the future.  As any intelligent person knows, this Wednesday the 21^st is the day Marty McFly arrived to the future.  And like any good fan, I am preparing for the date. I’ve ordered my Delorean T-shirt, secured my movie tickets to see part II, and just finished watching the first movie tonight (instead of writing all my grad school papers that are due soon).  And all this commemoration excitement has really got me thinking about the future, the past, and just life in general.

I never really understood how much Back to the Future influenced me as a kid.  I might have been a little young compared to other 80s fans (since I am regretfully considered a millennial, born 1983), but I have always been a big fan. This movie, along with other 80s classics (e.g Princess Bride, Ghostbusters, and The Goonies) were simply part of my childhood culture. 

My childhood friend and I would watch those movies on loop and then pretend we were part of them. Yes, we captured ghosts, flew dangerously down a homemade zip line, rode our bikes in search of treasure, and whatever other awesome adventures kids could get up to in those days. But, Back to the Future definitely holds a special place in my heart. I remember that we made our own time machine out of some plywood, a wheeled bed frame, boxes, and some old computer parts his dad brought home from work.  Then one of us would push our creation down the street, while the other one pretended to arrive in the future. It was great!

There was always a fascination with the future when we watched that second movie.  I would imagine how awesome it would be one day. Although, I can’t say I quite comprehended that I would actually find myself here one day; not by a time machine, but with good OLD fashioned aging. It just seemed so far away. In fact, I still look at the date sometimes and think how future-y it seems.

So, as the future is finally arriving I keep wondering about the state of the world, the state of my own life, and whether or not the 8 or 9 year-old me would still be excited about getting here. I mean, the lack of flying cars and hover boards is a little disappointing.  If I stop to consider the things we take for granted now, I realize we are totally doing crazy future stuff all the time.  The technology is better than even the Back to the Future folks could even imagine.  Of course there are too many to list, but one of them stands out the most to me.  It’s almost creepy really.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would one day walk around with basically the answer to most of my questions in my pocket (I had a lot of questions as a kid…and still do). The most exciting thing I ever imagined being able to do when I got older was being able to drive a car and go pick up my friends to “play.”  Who knew this would end up looking like this: 

•   Drive to pick up my friend for an adventure (at least I still find time to play)
• Talk to a device while driving and tell it to notify my friend that I’m on the way
• Ask the device how the weather will be for the day
• Tell it to play my favorite song...then yell at it when it plays the wrong one
• Pick up some coffee and pay for it with the same device I just had an argument with
•  Tell it to shut the pod bay doors
• Tell it to call my friend so I can tell her I’m outside
•  Ask it for directions to our destination
•  Ask it the meaning of life and everything
•  Arrive
•  Take an awesome picture with my device of real Millennials who are all sitting together, bu taking selfies on their devices instead of interacting with one another
•  Upload my picture to multiple applications simultaneously that share it with a gazillion people
• Receive instant feedback from others who appreciate such art
•   Count my steps with the device while we walk around (gotta stay healthy)
• Scan the barcode of something I found that I like in order to look it up online, buy it cheaper, and  have it mailed to me the same day
•  Receive a real-time “video call” from another friend who lives far away and catch up with our lives, while walking around shopping
•  Play a fun game, read a book, or check the news while I wait on my friend to get out of the bathroom
• Check the cheapest gas stations on my way home
• Drop off my friend and return home
• Pull out my slightly bigger version of the device and watch a movie before falling asleep

And that’s just one product we have here in the future. Love it or hate it, but you have to admit the world has changed dramatically by the technologies that surround us every day.  I know my childhood self would not be let down. 

Why Did You Become a Nurse?

Not that question again!

“Why did you become a nurse?” This is a question I still have to answer on occasion, granted a lot less often since nursing school days. And despite the feeling that I just started yesterday, I have to say it’s going on five years and I guess I’m not a new nurse anymore. These 4 + years have granted me lots of learning opportunities for sure. Some lessons were learned in precious bitter sweet moments and others through blood, sweat, tears, urine, feces, mucous, puss, serousanguinous fluid...ok I’ll stop. My point is I guess I know at least one thing (maybe not quite two) these days. Even with all those fun experiences and my thicker skin there’s always that question that throws me off: “Why did you become a nurse?”

This question is often interchangeable or accompanied by the assuming phrase “You must love your job.” Often times out of politeness or to avoid a deeper upsetting conversation I just nod with a little “mmm hmmm.” The truth (or so I thought) up until recently was always: “No, are you nuts? What about this stressful back breaking job should I be so in love with? Rude people? Long hours? Gross daily tasks? Not being able to eat or go to the bathroom for 12-14 hours? Dying people? Wiping your butt? You must be absolutely out of your mind...in fact I know you are!” As you see, it’s definitely more appropriate to go with my first answer.

Then something happened. Or maybe it was happening all along. I’m not sure, but my 4+ years of having a case of the mondays recently came to a head. All this time I was dwelling on the horrible parts of my job experience. You might say I was a burnt out nurse from the beginning. Whatever it was, bitterness set in somewhere along the way. I felt it coming on. It’s not a good feeling. I was acutely aware of losing myself. I was not the joyful person I started out as. Hope was gone. Everything and everyone annoyed me. And yes, I was just a bit overly dramatic about it all!

Case of the Mondays

Sitting here today, I can say I have an appreciation for my role as a nurse, my co-workers, and even those pesky patients. The things that used to annoy me are the things I might admit to cherishing. What was the magic pill that cured my horrible case of the Mondays, you ask? A horrible Monday of course!

The actual day of the week I don’t recall, but it was a day when all the walls I built up to protect myself from the scary world of nursing came crashing down. It was pretty cliché really (don’t worry, no one died). No it was one of those stupid days where everything goes wrong. I woke up late. I scurried around like a crazy person to make sure I could still get Starbucks, only to arrive to a crazy floor where I had no time for drinking the good stuff. Then I busted my butt all morning with the goal of being able to just sit down and chart with my cup of coffee reheated. By the time the hour arrived it was basically any normal person’s lunch time (not mine...no lunch that day). I shoved the cup of coffee in the microwave and when that happy DING went off I hurried to grab it...but I grabbed too fast...because I sent the cup flying...spilling the precious and SCALDING contents across the counter, myself, the microwave, the floor, probably small children. The housekeeper witnessed it all of course, and with only a little scolding helped me clean it up.

At that moment I spoke a self-fulfilling prophecy over myself (here is your warning to watch what you say): “This day sucks and can’t possibly get better.” I walked away from the pantry muttering curses and feeling dejected. As I predicted, the day only got worse. Nothing was easy. Discharges became hellish nightmares of red tape. Admissions came all too quick and in way too many numbers. And I’m pretty sure whatever pain medicine pharmacy stocked that day was not working because everyone was in pain. Co-workers that normally make my day brighter even annoyed me that day. I felt like if I stopped for one minute I would probably just sit down and cry. My face was red, my eyes were glossy, my temper was short.

Of course that was the exact moment one of my co-workers chose to give me the talk. This person had given me plenty of pep talks in the past (although sometimes they were more like spankings). Usually the pep talk consisted of phrases like:
-“Don’t let them get to you.”
-“You make your own weather.”
-“You don’t smile. You need to smile more.”

Whatever the speech, it was clear they noticed the change in me I was trying so hard to hide. My joy was MIA. On this day, they chose the worse time, when I was busy trying to pass meds so I could get my shift over and flee from the building. I can’t remember the exact words they used, only that they were pin-pointing the root cause of all my angst. Didn’t this person know I did not have time to dwell on important life issues? Didn’t they know I’d been trying for a long time to find my joy?

Apparently, they were clueless, because the talk went on whether I wanted to or not. It is important to note that I consider this person a kindred spirit and we share the same faith. So this speech was not aimed at that present moment, nor was it was it meant to make me perform my duties as a nurse better. It was going straight to my heart and spirit...meant to make me remember the person I was. And as embarrassing as it was the tears just flowed with no end in sight. No matter how many people were walking by I could not stop or hide this emotional outpouring. They were not loud tears. They were quiet tears. With each one, a piece of the giant wall I had built came down; not with a giant boom, but with a quiet disassembling.

At the time I was sort of upset because this person made me admit to feeling weak and powerless again...a feeling I had tried so hard to avoid since my first days as a nurse. Even though I was embarrassed and upset, the act of kindness my friend bestowed upon me initiated a change in me. Later that night as I reflected on the day I realized they gave me the key I’d been searching so hard to find that would lead me back to my joyful self. The key was simply a change in perspective.

I started thinking about why I became a nurse in the first place. I was never one of those people that always knew they would be a nurse. I could never find much about nursing that I appreciated. The glass was definitely half empty. In fact, I’ve spent years telling people “it’s not my passion, but it pays the bills.” It was not a glamorous truth, but still the honest truth. I might have blamed it on my parents, saying I became a nurse because they said I needed a practical job in these unstable times. These were only partial truths though. It took stopping the flow of negativity, a breakdown at work, and the freedom my friend gave me to reflect on the kind of person I want to be to come to the full truth.

“Why did you become a nurse?”

It was a commercial. Yes, a commercial. You know that Johnson and Johnson campaign: “Dare to Care.”? Well that sucker was airing constantly during my college years, when I was looking for a career path that I counted as “something that really matters.” I nixed other career choices if I thought they sounded too self-serving or what I perceived to be money or power-hungry careers. In my mind I could only do something that would mean tons of self-sacrifice and of course helping others. So when the “Dare to Care” campaign came out, I said to myself “sure why not.” I flocked to the all noble profession of NURSING without another thought. Finally something that would meet my criteria for a job that “matters”! Plus it would pay the bills and you get to wear pajamas to work! Who wouldn’t want to be a nurse?

I didn’t know it, but I only had part of the equation right. The desire to help people is fine. The desire to pay your bills...smart. Pajamas...comfortable. The idea that you can only achieve these goals by working in particular job...absurd. I realize now that it doesn’t matter what you do for 40+ hours a week at work. You can have a caring heart and help people every hour of the day no matter where you are or where you work. And on the flip side, being a nurse doesn’t automatically make you Jesus or Mother Theresa either.

I wasn’t able to fully understand my lesson until my co-worker was brave enough to confront me about my careless anger and bitterness. I see now that you are responsible for your actions, your words, your thoughts towards others...no matter what situation you are in. And in my experience, perfect situations are mostly non-existent. We have the opportunity to serve others every single day in life, wherever we go. You can dare to care all the time, no matter what you do for a living.

There is a scripture that comes to mind here:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”-Mark 12:30-31

I have learned that true joy is not dependent on circumstance. It is not something that goes away one day and comes back. Joy is not happiness. If you are working with a joyful heart then you do not need thanks in return. If you give without any expectation of receiving in return then you cannot get upset when no one thanks you for your awesomeness. From a Christian perspective, there is nothing sweeter than giving to someone that cannot pay you back (just like God did for us). And it makes life a lot easier when you start seeing your patients and co-workers not as annoyance, but as the people you are put here to care for.

You can’t feel taken advantage of by someone if you make it a point to give them everything you’ve got. Sometimes the answer is not thicker skin, or giant walls around your heart. You’ve got to stop with the self-preservation already! In the end, you’ll only truly be rewarded if you let down your walls, and give something real from the heart to the person in front of you. It’s not always easy, but it’s those moments that make life...well, LIFE!

A New Perspective

So after all that learning I’m pretty much perfected now and life’s only bluebirds and roses. HA! Just kidding. Don’t worry, I’m still overly dramatic, just with a rediscovered comedy side to balance it out. No one’s perfect, and nursing is still hard work. I realize now that the rude people who used to get to me are probably the ones who just need more love. And those 3 long shifts...are not forever. Plus, I get 4 days off! And I have to admit those gross tasks like wiping of butts and gnarly dressing changes don’t really bother me in the least...in fact it’s sort of the stuff I love doing.

After I stopped looking at all the things I hate about my job I could see the million things I love! I love decorating my floor’s skeleton. I love hearing the stories from my elderly patients (even the confused ones)! I love that I am able to help someone when they can least help themselves. I love my co-workers and all their hijinks and practical jokes. I love that feeling of teamwork when the you-know-what hits the fan. I love being able to just be there for someone when they are all alone. I love being able to make a daunting situation seem less scary by explaining things and teaching my patients. I love teaching new nurses and nursing students “The ropes.” I also love when my patients and students teach me something I didn’t know. Did I mention I still get to wear pajamas (oops, I mean scrubs) to work everyday?

And even though death is still no fun. I know it’s a part of life. I like knowing that I’ve been trained to do everything I can to help in those situations. It helps to know that even though it can be scary and sometimes no matter what you do, you can’t stop it, there will always be an opportunity to be there for the person in need.

“So, why did you become a nurse?”
I dared to care. It wouldn’t be a dare if it were easy.
“You must love your job!”
I’m learning to love it everyday.

Monday Musings

Today should have been Tuesday so I could have called this blog Tornado Tuesday. Oh well. I've had too much coffee late in the day and have nothing better to do (well nothing I want to do...plenty of things I could do) than write a random blog. I can't think of one topic to write about, so this will just be a hotchpotch of thoughts. And that's okay because that's pretty much me: random.

Today was my best friend's birthday, which reminds me I need to pay rent. I had fun dodging the tornado's to venture out to the lovely Provino's italian restaurant (about the only place that will give you a free birthday dinner anymore). I got there early, which was a good thing. And sat at the bar drinking my diet coke while the tornado sirens wailed and I waited for the rest of the party to show up late. I seriously love my friend and her family. They are so hilarious. I asked for the rights to their life story. I think they should either be a cartoon or an epic trilogy...not sure which. Maybe I should just make a documentary, so I capture their real essence. I'm not sure there are any actors out there that could do them justice.

I should have recorded the dinner, because there were so many crazy one-liners flying from her mom's mouth. Just an example is when she told the waitress "I'll buy her dinner since it's free, but I'm not paying for the beer. I don't believe in it." I agreed and said the two of us were heading up the temperance committee. Of course when I tried to order my dinner sans cheeze her mom piped in again "She and my daughter are both crazy. This one's VAY-GAN (aka vegan). She doesn't eat anything from an animal. And that one's gonna drink herself to death. That's why they're friends."

So anyhoo, I had a good time. I'll have to think of the best route for their story. Seriously, they would make a good movie.

What else. I tried to sleep in today. All weekend when I had to wake up early for work I told myself..."just get up now and Monday you can sleep in." Well at 0600 I was wide awake and so were the cats..being extra obnoxious. Does this mean I'm getting old, when I can't stay asleep? I read emails and junk for a couple of hours and then went back to sleep until 1pm though. What the heck? I really need to exercise again. That'd probably help get me back on track. I think the longer I'm a nurse the more immune I am from the effects of coffee.

Work has been surprisingly better the last few months. I like my co-workers and that helps a lot. Of course, some days I think they are trying to kill me with the patient loads. And I must have been super clear that I have no desire for extra responsibility outside of the 3 12's cause they keep promoting newer employees. I think if nursing were my thing I'd feel differently, but I can only give my 100%...well 99% maybe (coffee and skeleton decorating take up 1% of my time) for 3 days. Anything more than that is torture.

My goal would be to devote my other 4 days off to working on what I actually like: writing. And for awhile I was doing good with that. However, I get friends calling me up always wanting to do something. And I'd feel a little guilty and lame if I were like "no, I gotta do some amateur writing today. sorry." And then I'm not sure how or why keeping 500 sq feet clean is so tricky. Maybe I should only have one plate, one fork, one spoon, etc. It would sure cut down on dishes. It is a cruel thing not to have a dishwasher btw.

What else is new? I think I've determined that for a long time I've overcomplicated or over thought what it means to serve God. I keep getting this drilled into my head as of late. It's not about going off and doing some huge thing, or becoming a super awesome speaker, or whatever religious image one could think of to represent a perfect Christian. And I think the term perfect Christian might be an oxymoron. It's just about getting filled up with HIM and sharing his love with the person in front of you that needs Him. It's about getting over yourself and being willing to submit and do something or open your mouth at any given time. Why do we make it so hard?

Then there are days where I feel like I have no idea what to say to someone. There are so many hurting people and I know God can help them, but I don't want to misrepresent so I end up saying nothing. Yeesh. How terrible is this? Or when it comes to writing I feel like there is some trap that Christian writers (including myself) fall into where the Truth gets replaced with some mealy mouth religious blah blah blah that is so bland and lacking zest. Most of the "Christian programming" I've ever seen is terrible and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. When I listen to classic composers who used their music to glorify such an awesome God I wonder why he can't be glorified with our contemporary arts. Why does satan get all the good stuff on TV?! And why do the Christian characters always turn out to be religious nut job serial killers? Is it impossible for the power of such a Sovereign God to be portrayed in the arts? I just don't know. I've seen some cool Jesus stuff in theatre. Maybe I should start writing plays. :D

oh my. Well Jesus Help and goodnight.

While watching "The Accidental Tourist" I had a sudden thought that the book might be more enjoyable than the film (as interesting as the film is). This got me thinking about reading in general. And more importantly it made me think about my not so recent aversion to reading. When did it happen and why?

I like the idea of a good book. I like to hold a real book and maybe even secretly enjoy that gross old book smell. As a child I spent a great deal of time reading. I loved being able to go on an adventure without leaving the couch. And I could relish the delight of knowing that some bits of wisdom written down by an author ages ago still rang true today.

I'm not sure what happened but I sort of dread reading now. I usually only have the time and patience for non-fiction that I might find useful in my life. I really can't think of the last fiction I read. I don't know when this happened. Am I lazy? Did college leave me no room for any more reading? Have I given over to easy entertainment in the form of television and movies? I don't think so. If there was anything I used to do more than read, it was watch TV. And I can hardly tolerate that now.

Maybe it's the high-speed life we live now. After all the last book I purchased was bought with a few swipes and is easily read on my iphone. That old book smell has been replaced with the little swiper page. I will admit that does give me a little thrill. And at the same time I feel almost sad to think that i no longer enjoy sitting quietly with a real live book.

I keep meeting people in my real life and have seen a lot interviews about writers or actors who "LOVE TO READ." And it leaves me feeling a bit lacking. Why? Do I feel dumb because I don't pick a book up every night before bed? Maybe. To be honest the stuff most people read these days seems like it might make them dumber. Don't get me started on those vampires. Does reading increase your imagination? I don't know. It seems like it might tie you down more. Who knows.

As much as I appreciate imagination I can't help but feel these days it's more helpful to be in touch with "real life." And yet real life is often so horrid that maybe a simple escape would do us good. Or how about the innovators of the past. Without imagination they would not have dared even dream up some of the things that helped make real life easier. So basically I've got no good conclusions on the subject.

I think though, I'll give myself some slack. Sure I don't care what the latest vampire book says, but I don't think I ever did. And I don't think I'll be losing any of my imagination. I can still play pretend with the best of any 5 year olds. And while I might not sit down every night with so and so's memoirs I think I might try to etch a little more time in my life for a quality read. I think if we are not carful then sometimes the facebooks, twitters, and iphones can make life too cluttered. Maybe it is important to have that time to sit and muse on other people's words. They may not be right, but at least you've given yourself time draw a conclusion about it and not just ingested it without a thought. After all these musings, I think I may have talked myself into at least thinking about reading more.

This hole is deeper than I thought

I suppose naivete is nice thing really. When you have little to no idea what's ahead of you there are much less worries (besides the fact that your cockiness is probably unbearable to those around you...but you're so awesome that you are oblivious to their glares). Sometimes the know-all is so clueless that they try things no one else would dare fathom. Of course there's the 90% chance that reality will probably shoot them down in it's good time. At least I think that's my pessimistic view of things.

Being an occasional know-it-all myself, I find it hard sometimes to imagine that there could be something I haven't thought of yet. HAHAHAHAH. Of course my know-it-all self also knows that I can't possibly know it all. So that keeps me in check most of the time. Except today when I was reading other writers' thoughts on writing. It was terribly interesting but it made me see there's lots more work to be done. Apparently one semester on film writing doesn't make you an expert, but apparently 5+ seasons of show writing doesn't either (eh hem....BONES!). Somehow I feel like I've just walked through the woods for hours only to come to a clearing where I can now see the rest of my hike looming over me. I suppose the only upside to my realization that I have only an iota of a clue about writing is that instead of being turned off by the mountain that lay ahead of me I'm sort of energized to see what I can see. I was never good at sprinting anyways. I do much better with pacing myself for the long haul.

i think i just ordered a coffee coffee coffee

I can't be sure but I think I just ordered a $5 drink that tastes pretty weird. I added an extra shot of coffee cause I just cannot wake up. But when the guy called out my order as being ready he said something about a triple something or another. So now i'm kinda confused and I know well and good that if i asked they'd make me a new one, but I just hate being that person that complains. So I'm just gonna go add some sugar and have a lovely lunch time with my friend who just arrived.

Let me Know the Stuff I Know

So I've been told I need to blog some more and I figure in this case it's okay to give into peer pressure, especially since the person asking is so delightful. So this is for April. hahah. And in her honor, I am of course at Starbucks with my soy pumpkin spice latte and listening to music on my iPhone. All of this reminds me of Miss April. The only thing that would make this setup more perfect would be to listen to some M. Ward (but Jenny Lewis's new album will have to do).

I feel like a century has gone by since my last blog (in time and experiences I've had) so my choices to blog on are numerous. I think I'll just shoot the breeze and see what comes out.

Mostly I feel like God has been showing me some good stuff and even though some of it has been like pulling teeth (on my part. cause I'm sorta dense at times). The more I know, I just wish I could know the stuff I know. It's one thing to know you have groceries in the kitchen, but you need to know WHAT groceries you have if you want to be able to make a meal. Or the other day I was reading an old journal from high school. I'd written something there about how if you look at the world, you'll become like the world. If you keep your eyes on God you'll become more like him. Simple enough, but it took me until a few months ago to really know that statement and not just know of it. And honestly, I think I might spend life getting to know it more fully.

Let's see, let's see. WRITING! The more I toy with the idea of writing, the more I can see myself doing it. Some days I wake up excited and can't hurry enough to work on my project. Logically, I would dismiss the idea of me as writer, right away cause it's not practical. But I've never jumped out of bed with excitement to go be a nurse. I'll talk some about writing below. You can stop reading here if such things bore you.

As of late, I've been trying my hand at a screenplay about a missionary. I am realizing what my teacher said was true: Writing is not just an art, but a discipline. It's one thing to have a good idea, but to sit down and hack it out to something decent is just work work work. Unfortunately my personality is just a tad bit flighty. I can be cleaning my room, walk into the kitchen to throw something away, get distracted by a dish there, and completely abandon my room. The good news is (I think) that self-discipline is...well...a discipline. So maybe there's hope for me. Starbucks helps. Not really, but it's a mind game.

I've been told that to be a writer means to just sit down and write something everyday. Whoever said it, didn't work 12 hour nursing shifts. I guess I generally agree with the statement though. Some days I've sat for hours thinking only to change my characters name. I'm not sure that is a very productive day, but I just couldn't go on with the story until I knew her name. Thankfully I'm about to start some treatments and there won't be room for such frivolous details. I say treatments (essentially and outline of plot)because I cannot decide on a setting and I feel like I need to bust out some treatments for the various locations I am thinking of for the film I want to write before I can choose. I just need to commit to an idea and go for it instead of being held back by fear or whatever it is. I guess wish me luck. I'm gonna go start that now.

2010

Well I made it to the future. Ha. Well it still seems like the future. I'm kind of bummed there are no flying cars. All in All I'm excited about 2010. Living in my fun new apartment (me and the cat) is delightful and it makes me feel like life is happening and I must savor every bit. And there is just something about checking the mail when the mailbox is attached to your house (oh, who am I kidding, I love checking the mail in all types of places).

I don't usually make many resolutions. I would like to refocus on some goals though. It is hard to live for today sometimes. I think that's what God intended us to do though. So that is basically my goal. Listen to the Holy Spirit, be led by the Holy Spirit. Get my daily bread from the Lord. Don't get caught up in worrying and fretting about tomorrow. And if a day turns out bad,I just need to abide in Him...and just be a little like Scarlett O'Hara: "Tomorrow is another day!"

i wish the west wing were still on

Boy, it's been awhile since I posted to this blog. Perhaps, it's because I've been forcing myself to blog daily during the year of 2009. I decided that a daily blog would make me accountable to life. I don't know that's it working, but I hope that by talking about my days I will not let them slip by. I'm afraid I might turn into someone recording their experiences on camera instead of actual experiencing them. So, basically my multiple blogging has distracted me fromm the others I usually do.

Oh life. life, life, life. I've been learning a lot about life...well specifically God's life-giving spirit. It's cool. I think the purpose of receiving God's spirit and then sharing it with others, sure makes things simple. And I like simplicity. And I'm pretty sure I finally figured out my actual gifting, among my million hobbies. This is pretty fantastic. I was always a bit jealous of those people who were awesome at one thing since birth. They had no doubt in their minds, they just had one thing to do, and could do it well. I on the other hand run the gamet when it comes to hobbies and interests...so much so that my time is never focused on one. This makes me good at nothing. So now that I'm pretty sure God showed me my gifting is somewhere in writing or storytelling. And I feel a little bit giddy.

The weirder part (and for those non-believers out there...you might think I'm a nut starting about now) is that I suddenly realize that is the area that satan will of course try and rob me. It only makes since that if God's plan is for me to glorify him and to set others free through my writing that Satan would hate this the most. I discoverd this because the other day I had the freakiest dream. Right as I fell asleep I was suddenly dreaming of myself lying in bed in my room. Only my room was not quite the same. The furniture was rearranged slightly. The lighting seem to be that of candles...sort of a dark glow. In the air, I could hear music. It was sort of old fashioned music someone might play on an upright piano in a western or something. Only, it was being played on the toy piano I actually have in my room in real life. And the scariest part was that someone was gagging me, or sitting on my chest so that I had no air in my lungs to be able to speak. I became more aware of my muteness and tried to scream. I could not. This is when panic set in and I tried to wake up. I was not only mute, but paralyzed. Finally I guess I was able to make a groan in the physical because my mom heard and came in to check on me. This is not my first nightmare, so she was quick to the rescue. Thank goodness. Thinking back, I've had these reoccuring dreams of being mute. This is very interesting.

So lots of lessons learned lately. What else? Soon I will be on days. Still at my old job. It seems the job I hoped for was already filled. I'll keep on keepin on. Still looking regularly for something better. I hope that days will return me to my former human..and less zombie-like self. I get to go to NYC soon. So that should be fun. Started some guitar lessons...hoping these will make me a less sloppy player and get me over my plateau. I've only been to one, but I expect the lessons will do just that.

And I suppose I should mention my title. I do wish the West Wing was still on. I've been watching a marathon with my mom starting from season 1. She used to give me heck about liking the show and now she likes it too. My brother even snuck in a disc according to my mom. The writing is awesome. Some people dislike the idealism and mistake it for preaching. Okay, maybe there is a bit of preaching. I don't care though, I think that's what a good piece of art does. It is not stuck in reality, but can inspire you to better things. I'm not a big fan of politics. I'm sort of a more "pay Ceasar what you owe him" and "trust in God, not man" kinda gal, but I do love that show.

I keep finding myself wishing for more seasons. I love the characters. The actors were great. I've been youtubing and googling everyone to see what they are up to. Allison Janney rocks any screen she shows up on. Poor Bradley Whitford lost out when Studio 60 was cancelled. Janel Moloney apparently moved to NY to do theatre. I have no idea what Martin Sheen is doing. And I wish there was just more Richard Schiff in the entertainment world. Of course that's not all of them, but I do miss the quality that show had. Don't get me wrong, I love my show Bones, but it's not like the West Wing. They are just different genres really. Sure, they both fall under television drama...but there's just no comparison.

There is a season...

Turn Turn Turn...


So here I am again. Since I'm awake and feeling like I'm on waiting on the horizon for the sun to rise what better to do than to blog? And for the record I dislike the term blog. It's so bloggy and not at all eloquent. I prefer something like "shoot the breeze," journal, or simply run at the mouth (or my fingers really). This is not what I've come here to talk about though.

So, per usual my job still drives me nuts. With each day I go there I feel I'm losing a part of myself and replacing it with a bitter morsel of dispair or even enmity. And the more I complain about it the bigger the hypocrite I feel. I must put my feet where my mouth is. And if there is one thing nurses have the freedom to do it is walk out the door and find another place that needs us just as much. Granted that my current type of nursing is not my cup of tea. In fact most of the current healthcare...scratch that. Most of our current state of health in America is not my cup of tea!

So you might ask, what would you do about it then? Well, that is exactly what I harp on about on a regular basis (or enough to be known around my circles as a health nut): health promotion. Yes...encourage humans to live to their fullest instead of being slaves to consumerism, inactivity, diseases of affluence, and otherwise zombie-like existences.
[insert ad for Wall-E here...is this really too far off?]


sooooooooo...i've been walking around saying i want to do something like health promotion...and then i would usually say "yes, but i can't afford to work at the health department." or "the job i want doesn't exist. no one cares about preventing disease in the first place. they would rather just treat it once it's too late."
but after my job ticked me off for the last time i came home in search of another one. and what to my wondering eyes should appear? but a job posting entitled "health promotion representative". i was so excited about the job description i jumped right into editing my resume instead of sleeping. and you don't know how much i usually detest resumes.

so basically, I'm hoping to be hired based soley on my enthuasism for the subject. haha. no really.

in the meantime i'm still on a vegan kick. which is really not a kick at all, but just a new way of living. and i find this has led me into the world of organic foods..which has led me back to the idea of gardening...which has led me to be firmly stuck on the idea of organic gardening...which puts all sorts of ideas and dreams into my head about healthy food, poor people, fully enriched lives, happiness, and bluebirds, and all that other crap that will get you thrown into the freak category. and this does not even take into account that i'm a christian or the music i listen to (which i'm told counts as "hippie-catterwalling").








all these changes and the thinking i've done lately has led me to the conclusion that i need not have this thick skin or toughness i've been wishing for all this time. Instead i believe that being myself might just lead me out of the wrong paths and onto the ones that actually enrich my life. so yes...i can still be a kid...but only in the sense that maybe as a child i was the real me.

Can I just be a toys R kid?

Okay, I admit it. I've decided I don't want to grow up. It might be too late for that though. You know what is so annoying to discover: i'm not tough at all. I used to picture myself like a tough little cookie...like V.I Warshawski or Cate Blanchett's characters.

And now after all these years I discover I'm not the least bit tough. ugh. It might just be that I'm overly stressed now, but I think it might be true. I'm really like those annoying characters in movies that you want to slap and tell them to git a grip. What has brought me to this realization? Just the little things that come with being a grown up I guess. Good and Bad things...doesn't matter, i just want to stay an immature kid i think. let me think on the last few months:
-ugh, i turned a quarter of century old.
-just bought a new car.


-took 3 vacations which is a bit luxurious and yet somehow not completely satisfying
-found a primary care physician? lame.
-i'm vegan now. weird.
-i'm responsible for the lives of others on a regular basis.
-and now i've had my first patient die. this sucks beyond belief. despite all the interventions they are still gone. what the heck?
-i have a car payment to go with the pretty new car.
-i review my credit report. you know as a kid you don't even have one...so carefree.
-now when i go to weddings people expect that i must want to be in my own.
-i get a bit of road rage when people tailgate me.
-my brain is so full of information i've become senile...that or i'm dehydrated and hungry and therefore cannot think. which ever...you know this never happens to kids. they always have something clever to say.
-i work in a job i don't like and yet cannot bring myself to quit...did i mention new car payment?
-i'm responsible for making sure other people get fed...okay it's the cats and dogs..but still.
-i can't just lean on the faith of my mother...i've got to have my own. hmmm.
-they say gas prices are high. i've not thought a lot about it...but i'm sure it's bad for me;D
-i'm not in the military...so i'm stuck with all the responsibilty of my life...

crazy cat lady

this image makes me feel better about myself. i swear. less like a cat lady and more like some freaky disney character that attracts nature. hahaha. plus that black cat looks just like mine! okay enough. i only have one cat of my own. can i help it that people can't think of anyone else to watch their animals?

hmmm. it's 2008. yea? i'm totally not focused on my own life, but these writers'. i have no ties to the WGA and yet i can think of nothing else than this darned writers strike. i swear i'd go stand in my driveway with a picket sign if i had one. i do have my shirt. so yea for me. someone give me a cookie.

and now i've really gone off my rocker. besides slaving away at work (and occassionally having emotional outbreaks in front of my coworkers...so embarrasing. i think i need thicker skin. do they sell that at the gap?), going to the gym with a personal trainer and the whole shebang, getting massages, paying my ex gay boyfriend with food to give me piano lessons, and whatever else i've been doing....i now have taken up acting classes. what can i be thinking. and on top of it..auditioned for a talent agency (only b/c my acting coach pushed me into it). don't worry. i don't have any word yet either way. but what on earth could i be thinking? i'm a nurse, right?

now for a brief interlude. don't you miss those overtures in the middle of a film?


why don't they have those anymore?
i've only seen a handful of film lately, but i did enjoy them all.
juno: nice. nice.
i'm not there: freakishly fun. cate blanchett are you for real. and who wants to be train hopping poor black child just like bob dylan? i do i do. if only people put more pies out in their windows...and there were less scary guys cutting people's heads off. darn them.
enchanted: yes, i did. and i loved it! amy adams is totally awesome in those type roles. it's hilarious. i was even able to laugh at the roaches...while trying not to throw up.

and all of them had fun soundtracks. i was so happy. i think the old people in the dylan movie thought i was blasphemis when i ran out of the theatre during the end credits' "Like a rolling stone." you don't understand though. i'd been holding for like an hour and a half. i figured it would be worse to walk out during the actual film. but it was amazing to see everyone else glued to the seat at the end of that. usually i'm the only one watching credits. okay. i'm done. nothing else to rattle on about....except how excited i am about the upcoming zooey deschanel album..and m ward. he's cool. ooh ooh and beirut....i just discovered this madness.i love it!