Baby It's Cold, windy, rainy, and down right yucky outside: perfect time to sleep!

Well, I just got home from working the night shift....and more importantly: my llast shift with a preceptor tied to my hip. Yes, it occurred to me as I was leaving the hospital that next time I show up, I'm on my own. And with that realization a bout of nausea quickly entered my stomach...which was promptly surpressed by my steely nurse stomach of steel!

In all actuality I really don't think it will be much different then what i've been doing because I've basically doing all the work already for a long time now. It's just the idea that I no longer have that safety net (someone bugging me all the time and checking behind me) that freaks me out. I'm about to climb the ladder to the high wire for my first solo performance...and it's a bit freaky. But, the show must go on and the trapeze artist must not die.

Did i mention i was tired? So there is no doubt this blog is sounding a bit nutty. I find around 4am I start to get a little punchy...which is good because when i'm laughing it's hard to be stressed. and that is a good thing. and it's going on 9 am and the wind is beating against my windows and i'm not sure why i'm not asleep. i guess i'll hit the hay for a few hours. merry christmas to all and to all a goodnight, no morning. what day is it again?

WAR, PEACE, STRANGERS, SPOILED, GUILT, SERVANT, GOD, SIMPLICITY

In the spring of 2005 I saw the film "Hearts and Minds." I remember walking out of my film class speechless. I don't think I was able to bring any words to my lips until at least the next day. There were too many thoughts racing through my head: a combination of trying to process the historical events and then of course as many have pointed out it is impossible not to think of the present war. One of my memories from that film that stayed with me was of a girl who was interviewed back on the homefront about her thoughts on the war in Vietnam(probably because I am essentially that: an American girl in the midst of a war). I was horrified by her answer (or maybe secretly petrified to think that maybe I felt the same) that she would really just prefer to think about her own life and that it was not important to her. This scene was of course strategically juxtoposed against horrific war images and dying people on both sides...afterall the director had of course planned that I feel this way (just good filmmaking). And I a walked away from the film swearing that I would never be like that girl.

That was 5 years into the current war. And now that we have reached 7, I've returned my thoughts to that girl. I mean, maybe I shouldn't be so horrified by her comment. Afterall, what the bloody blazes would someone like her have done to change anything. What can I do, other than live my life? All the fighting in the world or all the protesting in the world couldn't have stopped that war and probably not this one. I'm starting to see that wars are left up to a few people. The rest of the world just reacts to the chaos. People just want to live their lives. And when they are stopped from doing that (by violence, by being called off to war, by attacks, by the feelings of injustice, by someone violating their human rights or those of someone they love, etc) they then have no reason to behave, no reason not to kill to try and achieve a sense of justice, no reason to not hate strangers.

Sure, I'm guaranteed a vote. And I do. But, the power of that vote is about as real as the right to freedom of speech.

So what then? Why is that girl's comment so horrific to my person? Maybe, the idea that so many people suffer in the world and she is (or I am) free to live, what in comparison seems, a frivolous life. Isn't that the gist of all war films or am I the only one with this American guilt?

But, I cannot judge this girl. If anyone looked at me they might see the same girl. But, the truth is that I do care, I want good things for my fellow man. But, that is easy to say before the spider ever comes down to bother you....while you're still sitting pretty on your tuffet...eating my curds and whey.

Here's another thought though...I don't believe people are good and maybe not so bad. But, under duress they are reduced to little children who will do whatever is needed to conserve self. But what about heroes who risk life and limb to save others....would it be too simple or rude to say that maybe they are either operating under alterior motives or maybe just crazy? No, I'm kidding. I'm not talking about people who choose to enter such circumstances by choice. I'm talking about people who for whatever reason are thrust into horrific things that seem very unjust. Like when someone kicks you for no apparent reason! Or how about when some a-hole cuts you off in traffic or decides to ride your bumper for 3 miles. If your anything like me you think something along the lines of: HOW DARE YOU, YOU [fill in the blank]!!! Then you precede to right the wrong or maybe if your like me ( a Christian) you avoid righting the wrong and maybe pray for some patience, compassion, etc. But, in the end we have to confront ourselves as the little hideous beasties that we are (unless you're still kidding yourself).

Let me go back and try another scenario when that stranger inflincts injustice on me (this time the girl in kindergarten who kicked me then preceded to tell the teacher that I kicked her...landing me with the note home to mother). What if I had righted that wrong and given her what she had already blamed me for...what if I kicked her bloomer-clad bum?! Well, then I would have violated her rights, I would have dashed any basic respect for her person. But, she would have got what was coming to her! Right? She would have "got got," in the words of a Hell's Angel circa 1970. What then? Maybe when those girls teased me in the 5th grade, I could have poisoned their lunches with a bit of laxative? Maybe, when that girl poured chocolate milk on my pants in the 7th grade I could have used a gun to rectify the situation. Maybe. But, I didn't. I think in all those situations I just sorta went on with my life (maybe I've not done a good job of forgetting...but I'd like to think that I'm pretty well forgiven on all accounts). And let me not sound like a saint...I did punch the crap out of that kid's nose in the fourth grade (forgotten why).

So what is my bloody point? Not sure...afterall I'm not very good at those or writing. I think my point might lie along the lines of "turn the other cheek" or "love thy neighbor as thyself." I can't decide which I like better. But, I'm not gonna kid myself with dreams of peace and whatever. I think I just won't feel so guilty about being like that girl...I will concentrate on my life: thank God for the blessings that I do have, serve God, serve others. If I try to worry about the rest (the futile world of senseless things, fleeting actions, and empty words) I'd end up with an ulcer or a hole in my head. If there is anything I learned in my days of un-needed therapy it was that the only thing I can change or control is myself.

I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Well, I finally made it to the LAST day of school (and if you knew me you'd know just how fantastic that is)!

I thought it would be more exciting...or maybe a little bitter sweet. No tears were shed and hardly any pictures taken. But I'm done...fini....no more! Whoo hooo. Okay, maybe not "no more" if I go back later...but still. Well, anyhoo. Nothing intelligent to say here because I'm pretty sure school has made my intellect useless. But, I'll get that magic paper in a couple weeks and I've got a interview lined up...so now I've just gotta go pray about what the heck I should do with my life:) Oh, and my trip to California was fun...I saw Dennis Rodman (not the star-sighting I had in mind...but it'll do pig).

I know how this little guy feels. I feel like I'm gonna be sprinting until graduation. Luckily I've built in a nice trip to California for myself (a nursing convention so it is completely school related...lol...oh who am I kidding it is soo gonna be vacation too). Then I found out my big project is due about 2 weeks earlier than I thought. So guess who's gonna be putting in 6 hours a week on that...unless I get an extension [insert prayer to God...please God let her give me an extension]. And now my mither is coming down...so that is gonna make things more interesting I'm sure. And sadly, I still have not even done my resume...so what is the point of all this if I don't have a job when I'm done. better get that and my applications done stat. where does the time go? today, i referred to something that happened at the beginning of my shift (~3pm) as "this morning"!!!! crazy. with the grace of God (and maybe a little redbull) i'll get there. can you people stop having life problems til i get done with school, please? lol. where's my mulivitamin?

j.o.b.'s

"speaking of your j.o.b. mulder...."
as you can see i just got my $10 copy of season 6 of the x-files. i knew if i held out i wouldn't have to pay that ridiculous $100. of course, i am about 10 years behind or something like that...but hey.
i've been thinking about this thing: fan obsession
what exactly is the point of obsessing over famous people? i am guilty on many charges (the victims are pictured throughout this blog), but i still can't figure out why i do it.



i am for the most part a perfectly sane person (uber healthy in the mental health department) so I know that in the scheme of life...these people, their work, etc. are all very fleeting. just like the rest of us: here today, gone tomorrow.

and lately when i watch award shows (as i have done since i was like 10) i can't help thinking: what is the bloody point? sometimes it's like they are just giving the award to someone b/c...well, they have to give it to somebody. half the time i think they just chose the nominees b/c they were the only ones around. the best example of this is the animated feature film. some of these are real crap...but hey, they are the only ones that year, so by all means let's nominate them. bleh. this year i think most of them deserved recognition though. but, i diverge from my point: all in all the awards don't mean anything at all (except maybe for the actor who gets more parts the next year...til he is forgotten for the new winners). and the funniest part is how serious people take them...as though all of life depends on receiving a gold piece of hardware.

so, why then? there must be something good or at least a reasonable answer for why I and thousands of others fawn over these people! b/c they seem like cool people? DOUBTFUL...i feel sorry for a lot of the poor shmoes and most are boring (except zooey....you have to admit she is so cool).


good role models then? well...that's a big NO...for the same reason i just mentioned. why then?!!!! i will attempt to describe my theory, based on my recent return to obsessing over gillian anderson:

when I watch a performance by someone like GA, I can't help but think that what she is doing surpasses plain ol' entertainment. in her performances you can see that she is totally there. she is the character. and in those moments she is somehow giving us a truth...we are peering in on her soul. this does not have to take place during a dramatic scene (even though Gillian is really good at those). actors can show us anything from pure joy to unimaginable heartbreak.
[nothing like jackie coogan in Chaplin's the Kid]

now you might think..well all that is in the writing. and i would agree that a lot of it is. but it is up to the actor to make us believe it...to reveal that character's truths and inner self. all this sounds crazy. but it has to be true. just consider the x-files. on paper scully is steely fbi agent who' partner is completely crazy. she has been abducted and beaten to pulp many a time. and on top of that, they want us to believe that she is still a regular gal who desires marriage and babies (even alien/human hybrid ones, if that is all she can get).

now put Gillian Anderson in the part and you get about a billion gallons of subtext that somehow make all this pefectly reasonable. and on top of that she can make sure that you're heart is as broken as the character's with one look. and she did it for 9 years! that is pretty darned good. and if that weren't enough she went and did all those little (some not so little) parts in things like Bleak House, House of Mirth, Mighty Celt, The Mighty, Playing by Heart....you get the picture.



so, what was my point?! well, just this: when an actor is vulnerable enough to give us the truths of life (joy, sorrow, love, mad-crazy anger, or humor...which is really a more complex thing, but i'll list it anyways) i think it triggers a little alarm in those watching. and i think it is those qualities in these people that makes us cling to them. Or... maybe it is just that they are hot:
Okay maybe it is too complex to be figured out in a blog. you know i originally started this, intending to write about the fact that i will soon be a working stiff and that i need to spruce up my resume. oh well. did i mention i'm very obsessive? let the madness continue, but remember that real life is out there somewhere (kinda like the truth):)

figlets

My new favorite show!
well it's been a bloody long time since i updated this thing...i think they even changed the name to blogger. well why would you use blogger, when you have myspace? ahhh....i'll continue anyways b/c lets face it: i like the sound of my own keys clickity clacking....and i should b/c it's not very likely that anyone reads this. figlets: what's the difference between a figlet and a fig? is that like the fruit version of veal/cow? should i feel bad about eating them? is it just a pretentious name that enables the company to jack up the prices? well i and my cat enjoy eating them anyways. boy life changes in a year doesn't it? how many questions can i ask myself in one blog?

why am i always on this thing when i should be doing something important instead?
why have i developed such a nasty ellipses habit...lazy i suppose. awww look at that: my brothers cat has finally learned to like my cat. why do people hate cats so much? i've got to stop or i'll have to commit myself.